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I heard your voice in the wind today

“I heard your voice in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died…but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines…
the wind blows…
the rain falls…
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.”

– Tim Edds

It would have been my Mum’s 72nd birthday last Sunday.  We went away for Euan’s 8th birthday so didn’t get to see my Dad.  This time last year, as we marked the first birthday without her it was so important to be together.  That’s not to say just a year on it’s less important just that the celebration of one of her beloved grandchildren, on the rare occasion of his birthday falling on the weekend, took priority.  Mum would have wanted it that way.  We invited Dad to come away with us but he already had a date with Elkie Brooks at Cheltenham Town Hall!

I love that photo of Mum with Dad, taken on Mum’s 60th birthday in 2008.  Just 5 years later, a few days before Euan’s 1st birthday, Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She died in August 2018 aged 70.  I looked through so many photos of Mum for this post but was at a loss to know how to sum up the person she was to me in a handful of snaps (I guess you can piece together some of that from previous remembering Mum posts).   There was the Mum of my childhood, the Mum of adulthood and the Mum that became sick and died.

Cancer treatment is brutal and ravages the body it is trying to save.  Mum lost her hair and started wearing a stylish short cut wig.  People told her how well she looked.  She felt mostly ok for the first few years and maintained a tight lipped privacy about what she was enduring.  Few people knew she was living with cancer.  Even for those of us that did you could easily wonder if it was all a dream or if it had gone away because she refused to let it have a negative impact on those around her.  Treatment cycle after treatment cycle takes it’s toll though.  Mum aged rapidly in the last year as the cancer cells spread around her body outrunning her liver.

Mum's 70th - nipitinthebud.co.uk

I love this photo too.  Mum’s 70th birthday in January 2018, our last celebration with her (although we didn’t know that at the time).  Mum had said she didn’t want any fuss for her 70th but over Christmas she had a change of heart.  She’d asked me what we were doing for Euan’s birthday so she could decide which day to have her party.  I smiled as she said ”You didn’t know I was having a party?  I’m sure I told you!”.  After Mum died Dad and I wondered if she’d secretly wanted to gather her family together one last time because she wasn’t sure she’d be well enough to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary in the Autumn.  As it was the day before Mum and Dad would have celebrated 50 years of marriage we were all together again; at her funeral.

This is my favourite photo of Mum with my little family.  A photo in which I’m daughter, wife and mother.  It was taken in a pub car park on my 42nd birthday.  Do you know what I love most about it?  The story of love and connection it tells as we stood waiting for a stranger to work out how to use my camera. The placing of hands that say ”I love you”, ”you’re great”, ”I’m so happy to be here  with you”.  Have you ever noticed that in pictures?  The small details it’s so easy to miss if you’re  only looking at faces.  I see it a lot in our family photos, the tilt of a head, the holding of hands.  I see it in all the photos of Mum and Dad together, always an arm draped around shoulders or the gentle touch of linked arms.  It reminds me of a verse we included on the front of our order of service on our wedding day:

”These hands – the hands that care, the hands that mold:
the hands that touch the lips, the lips that speak the words, 
the words that tell us we are whole”
– Douglas Coupland, Life after God

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2019 in pictures
a year in the life of a Wellbeing Advisor (aka Weleda Gloucester)

1 comment

  • Jean | Delightful Repast
    September 27, 2020

    What a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s been many years since my mother died, and I still miss her every day. We shared a love of cooking and baking, reading, china and cookware, so many things. So whenever I get a new piece of kitchen equipment or china, or when I develop a new recipe, the first thing I think of is how I’d love to share it with her. Thanks for sharing your story.
    Jean | Delightful Repast recently posted…Spiced Rice Pudding – Women in the Kitchen Review and GiveawayMy Profile

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Loonies. But they're my loons! 💙 . #lovemyboys Loonies.  But they're my loons! 💙
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#lovemyboys #bestfriendbrothers 
#gloucesterlife
Hoorah for the holidays and extra drawing time at Hoorah for the holidays and extra drawing time at Euan's T-shirt company.  9 year old Euan scans his drawings in and then colours them in using Affinity photo.  He's delegated the hard slog of uploading each design to to Daddy now! (he's upgraded his shop so he can offer hoodies and t-shirts in an array of colours). He has 20 animal designs now 🥰. 
.
Thank you so much to everyone who has bought a t-shirt so far.  Euan loves seeing pictures of friends wearing his designs x
.
#9yearoldartist #gloucesterlife
What glorious sunshine we had yesterday for Easter What glorious sunshine we had yesterday for Easter Egg hunting.  Aunty Catherine made a delicious cake and the boys ran off their body weight in chocolate.  It was so lovely for them to play outside with their cousin for the first time in sooooo long.  Hope you had a beautiful family filled, choc full weekend
Woohoo, I passed my anatomy and physiology exam to Woohoo, I passed my anatomy and physiology exam today. 💀
. 
I'm shouting it from the rooftops as I'm proud of my achievement and all the hard work I put in while juggling Mum life*. Younger Nic would never have dared tell anyone when the exam was for fear of failing.  When she did well she didn't really share that either.  Younger Nic was afraid of put downs for being boastful or for feeling responsible for someone else's disappointment if they hadn't done as well.  What a lot of worry for nothing and missed opportunities to pat herself on the back.
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So today I acknowledge how far I've come (thank you 40s for that extra dose of "who cares what anyone thinks"). I'm so pleased to have passed with flying colours and can't wait to get my hands on you for massages in a couple of weeks x
.
* so grateful to George for his unshakeable support and stepping into more Dad duties 
.
#aromatherapystudent #halfway
Hello Ancient Greeks day. This boy is growing up Hello Ancient Greeks day. 
This boy is growing up so fast.  I'm so glad I'm able to make costumes for him just like my Mum did for me.  Using an old pillowcase from Nanny, double sided sticky tape and left over upholstery fabric there are only 8 stitches in the whole outfit!
.
#makedoandmend #gloucesterlife
Our weekend in pictures . Little boy - tree climbi Our weekend in pictures
.
Little boy - tree climbing
.
Big boy - bouncing with Pokémon
.
Mum - studying studying studying
.
Dad - building a music room at his Dad's
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#gloucesterlife #childhoodunplugged #aromarherapystudent
This week has been wonderful for progress with my This week has been wonderful for progress with my Aromatherapy training - 2 assignments signed off and my Dad's 6 week case study treatments completed. 
.
So today is all about tackling the domestic chaos well away from my computer.  I'm starting with last night's washing up but find it so hard to just single task!  With my anatomy exam in less than two weeks  Professor John K Young from Howard College of Medicine is keeping me company while I wash up!  I find it so much easier to take information in when I hear it so I love @audible for listening to books any time anywhere #alwayslearning
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#aromarherapystudent #mumlife #saturdaychills #anatomy
Breaking up the study with a lunchtime walk in my Breaking up the study with a  lunchtime walk in my favourite local gardens x
The simplicity of cycling in loops when you don't The simplicity of cycling in loops when you don't have an outdoor space of your own.  Bliss!
.
If you've celebrated Mother's Day today I'm sharing in the gratitude with you for all that it means.  If you find this day hard I'm sending so much love to you.  I've written a new blog post - my 7th Mother's Day post as it turns our (link in bio) 
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#mothersday #countyourblessings
Today felt pretty monumental and worthy of a "firs Today felt pretty monumental and worthy of a "first day of school" doorstep pic.  The boys had mixed feelings about getting back to 'boring' school but were excited by the thought of seeing their friends and pizza on the lunch menu. 
.
On the walk home I discovered this lovely message on the fence.  Looks like I've got some homework this week with creating 3 more hearts to pass on the love and positivity ( www careforthree.com) What a lovely start to the day x
.
#smallactsofkindness #positivevibes #gloucesterlife #bestfriendbrothers
A first for World Book Day - taking a picture on Z A first for World Book Day - taking a picture on Zoom instead of on the walk to school!  It was lovely to see the other kids and teacher dressed up on the class call.
.
(huge @pichon.liz fans here if you're not familiar with Tom Gates stories.  Masks made from pizza packaging!)
.
#worldbookday2021
Isn't nature wonderful. She just keeps doing her Isn't nature wonderful.  She just keeps doing her thing despite what happens around her.  Miraculous x
Raccoon family Moorey! Euan was so excited to rec Raccoon family Moorey! 
Euan was so excited to receive his delivery from @rapanuiclothing with hoodies  featuring his own design.  He's created this week's new design which you can see at https://euanstshirtco.teemill.com/
= Getting ready = . It's that time of year again. = Getting ready =
.
It's that time of year again. No, not springtime, Mother's Day or Easter hunts.  World book Day costume making! 
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Thankfully Es favourite @pichon.liz Tom Gates books make for easy, creative face masks. 
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#worldbookday
The boys and I took a walk to beautiful Lassington The boys and I took a walk to beautiful Lassington Woods and the hill that was covered in snow just a month ago.  We loved seeing all the hand made signs warning us where to walk to protect the bluebells.  I'm so grateful for this week's sunny spells. 
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Hope you've been able to get out and soak up the hope of new life and brighter days emerging x
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#childhoodunplugged #woodlandwalk #bestfriendbrothers #explorers
My gorgeous 9 year old artist is turning his doodl My gorgeous 9 year old artist is turning his doodles into t-shirts.  He's creating a new design each week so there's 7 days to grab this beautiful raccoon if you like it (different colours and sizes available + hoodies).
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The t-shirts are printed by @rapanuiclothing
using organic and ethically sourced cotton.  This weekend there is free postage on all orders from
.
https://euanstshirtco.teemill.com/
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You will be able to hear Euan speaking to presenter Kate Clark at #BBCRadioGloucestershire tomorrow at 12.40pm so please tune in or catch up on BBC Sounds after the broadcast.
I had a gorgeous bimble on Haresfield Beacon with I had a gorgeous bimble on Haresfield Beacon with the boys yesterday.  We parked at our favourite Standish Woods and walked the 30 minutes to the top.  We took a wrong path at one point and had to scramble like mountain goats up the side of the  hill (absolutely the highlight, such fun!). While Euan and I took some pictures on the trig point Luca took himself off to admire the view. 
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The boys were amazing with running around and walking all the way back too.  They didn't complain until the final uphill stretch but rightly so as it was hard going.  It's so good to get outside and it's a long time since my body has felt hot and our of breath from exertion!
Expect this to be my look from now on! Totally di Expect this to be my look from now on!  Totally digging my Soundcore wireless, noise cancelling headphones. I mostly listen to Audible books, sometimes music, but think I may well just wear these to shut out the day to day noise 😆
Thank you so much for all my gorgeous birthday mes Thank you so much for all my gorgeous birthday messages.  It means so much to me that you took a moment out of your day to ring, write or visit. 
. 
We were blessed with sunshine for our walk on Stinchcombe Hill.  The boys loved the bunkers on the golf course and we were able to get some gorgeous food to take out afterwards from @leafandground (such a treat to be cooked for). Of course the best birthday present was bunking off school work for the day! (For Euan that is, I'm now cracking open my anatomy folder for an hour for tomorrow's college session while G gets the boys to bed).
Last week I felt overwhelmed, exhausted and frustr Last week I felt overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated.  Home schooling children while trying to fulfil all my other commitments wasn't working out so well.  I realised this when robbing from my sleep bank resulted in the tell tale headaches that lead to a migraine.
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This week, with the start of a new month, I resolved to prioritise rest (everything gets ugly on rubbish sleep!). I need 8 hours sleep.  I need quiet time to stretch (without children climbing on me or asking for food!). I need to walk in nature.  I need to connect with people outside my family, as Nic, not always as Mum to Euan and Luca.  And sometimes I need to moan, to stop holding everything, to let the stagnant energy out and the fresh loving energy in. 
.
I drew up a list of what supports a headache free life and started ticking things off (I did this on day 3 so have no guilt about those blank boxes at the start of the month!). I'm resolved to keep up the ticks.  I expect there will be days with gaps (like today's rain thwarting a nature walk) but I'm ok with that too. 
.
The day I drew up my tracker I also decided to draw a cards from my Lunar cycle oracle cards deck and the Universe has your back.  I think they confirmed I'm on the right track.  Taking care of your body can never be a bad option to go with!!! 
.
#practicingselfcare #mindbodyspirit #emotionalwellbeing
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