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knitting to soothe the soul: remembering Mum

Weymouth Promenade: 3 siblings with monkey - nipitinthebud.co.uk

“Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn’t hurt the untroubled spirit either”.

My Mum taught me to knit when I was about 8 years old.  My first creation was a scarf for my teddy bear and I felt such a sense of achievement with my reasonably even stripes.  A couple of years later at primary school our weekly craft session saw the class split in half with girls learning to knit toilet roll holders and the boys making planes out of balsa wood.  We were all flummoxed by the double rib hem that started our knitting pattern.  I was only able to finish it because when I bought it home I had my Mum’s unwavering encouragement and patient assistance when I kept getting it wrong.  I was so pleased when I finally completed my toilet roll cover with no dropped stitches and straight ribbed lines.  It received pride of place in the downstairs loo for many years.  I was rather pleased about that as I’d always found the shop bought toilet roll holder (a plastic dolls head a top a dress that ballooned out over the loo roll) a bit creepy.  That was the 80s for you.  Whoever thought toilet rolls were worth the effort of covering?  Whoever thought being able to knit a loo roll cover was a vital skill for girls to learn in school?

Little Cotton Rabbits - pig in a sailor dress knitting pattern

I started thinking about my childhood knitting stories as I browsed Little Cotton Rabbit’s Etsy shop.  I’ve been following Julie’s blog for about 10 years and she makes the most beautiful knitted toys.  I thought of my Mum as I browsed Julie’s shop and how easily she would have deciphered a pattern and created a perfectly matched toy.  I thought about how much Luca would love a knitted pig for his birthday in April and how Euan would be delighted with a knitted fox*.  I added the patterns for Pig and Fox to my Etsy cart and swallowed hard at the thought of making them myself.  Tackling the foreign language of a knitting pattern with no help, encouragement or gentle explanation when I get it wrong.   If I’d asked Mum to help me she would have said ”of course.  Or would you like me to make them?”.  You can guess what my answer would have been.  Mum would have loved to have been asked.

It’s 4 months since my Mum died ..

and little moments like this pop up often to strike a blow to the heart when I least expect it.  There are so many things now I wish I’d spent time doing with her or had time to ask her.  Stories about her life growing up, memories from our childhood, her holidays with Dad once we all moved out.  Just to have the opportunity to reminisce and hear her voice or laughter as she retold a funny moment.  We didn’t know we were running out of time.  It didn’t seem important to ask ”When did you learn to knit Mum?” or ”What was your favourite thing to do with us when we were little?’‘.  But now something as simple as reflecting on the love with which she knitted clothes for me as a child is like a body blow.  A sudden, hard, kick to the chest.  I’m drawn to writing to process, to cry, to release the pain of it.  I am full of thanks that I have such vivid memories of time spent with my Mum to miss.  I click ‘pay’ on my Etsy cart and trust I’ll find someone to help me if knitting Pig and Fox is more than I can manage.  Focusing on gratitude for all that Mum taught me slowly fills the sad spaces with a sense of peace and a smile.

Baby blanket made by Mum for Euan

Mum knitted all of our school jumpers until we reached Secondary school.  I remember being asked ”Why does your Mum make your jumper, don’t you have any money to buy one?”.  Back then it probably was cheaper to make them and I didn’t connect the value of Mum’s love and creativity being knitted into every stitch.  When I started at Secondary school it was Mum who said ”We’d better get the one from the uniform list, I don’t want you getting into trouble for having the wrong one” and I felt relieved not to have to ask so I could quietly blend in with all the other shop-bought jumper kids.  I would love to make more things for my children but it’s a struggle to weigh up the time it takes, especially for something I’m still learning to become skilled at.  I can’t see my boys relishing a request to stay in and play quietly on their own while Mummy knits even if the end result is a lovely knitted animal for them!  My Mum used to make things in the evening but try as I might I just can’t seem to get my active little boys to sleep before 8.30pm!

1980s knitted school jumpers - nipitinthebud.co.uk

A few weeks before Mum died..

I visited Gloucester Cathedral with the boys and happened across the exhibition for the Work of Heart Garden.   It was a beautiful display of a knitted room, complete with full size bed, and adorned with knitted furniture, flowers and wildlife.  The Work of Heart garden was created by Claire Young in response to her therapists suggestion to take up knitting to help her with PTSD and depression following the death of her husband Ken.  She decided to use her hobby as a way of raising money for the Sue Ryder hospice her husband Ken had been cared for in.  Clare set herself a fundraising target of raising £50k in Ken’s memory and started to sell her knitted creations.  In 2017 she teamed up with a group of friends to yarn bomb a thank you message to the hospice and this led her to receive an invitation to create a special knitted garden display for RHS Malvern Spring Festival 2018.  Clare created a heart knitting pattern (which you can download below) and donations started arriving from all around the world.

Clare originally hoped to receive 10,000 hearts and has received more than 50,000 to date.  When I visited the exhibition in Gloucester Cathedral in August 2018 Clare had reached the £20k mark of her fundraising target.  I bought two hearts for Euan and Luca to hang, little knowing that my Mum would end up being cared for in the same Sue Ryder home just a couple of weeks later.  We returned to see the exhibition on the last day of the exhibition and saw Clare there.  It was very emotional to speak to her in person having already started an Instagram conversation with her after our first visit.  I spoke to Clare about being able to knit but wishing I’d learnt to crochet from Mum too.  I spoke of my wish to make things but never having the time with small boys.  I offered her my stash of yarn and any spare balls Mum might have.  Clare gently smiled and said ”I think you should keep them and make something yourself to remember your Mum”.  Once Christmas and Euan and Mum’s birthdays in January are behind us I’ve decided to do just that (although I think I’ll start with one of Clare’s hearts before attempting Pig or Fox!).  I expect tears will flow and it would be good if they weren’t from frustration at starting with something too challenging.

Work of Heart garden in Gloucester Cathedral - nipitinthebud.co.uk
Euan finding his hanging heart on the last day of the exhibition

A couple of months later we visited the Sue Ryder home at Leckhampton Court, our first visit since Mum died there.  It was such a wonderful surprise to see a yarn bombed tree in the centre of the garden we’d played in with the boys.  Euan was thrilled to find the heart he’d bought in the cathedral hanging there.  I checked with Clare if that was possible (I couldn’t remember which one was his afterall) and she said he was right, they were the Cathedral hearts.

Work of Heart garden at Sue Ryder_Oct 2018 - nipitinthebud.co.uk

If you want to make a heart to send to Clare please take a look at the Work of Heart garden website for details or download the PDF here

Work of Heart garden knitting pattern by Claire Young – nipitinthebud.co.uk

*  Fox has become Euan’s totem for Nana after being given a copy of ‘The Memory Tree’ by a friend after she died.  It’s a beautiful story in which Fox dies and all his friends gather to share their stories of what they loved most about Fox.  A tree grows up out of the ground providing a home for all of the animals and ensuring Fox’s memory lives on.

© Knitting quote by Elizabeth Zimmerman

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2018 in pictures

11 comments

  • Clare Young
    December 20, 2018

    I love the photo of E at Gloucester Cathedral with the memory wall of hearts! I can’t tell you how much it means to me that in a small way Work Of Heart Garden has helped in your grief journey since your Mum died. Sending you the biggest gentlest hugs. 💕

    Reply
    • Nic
      January 10, 2019

      It still brings a tear to my eye when we returned to the exhibition after Mum died and saw you there. It was the release valve I needed so thank you for such kindness when I cried on you! I’m looking forward to attempting some hearts to send you knowing someone else may be touched in a similar way x

      Reply
  • Jayne Hill
    December 21, 2018

    Thinking of you dear one, and wish you, G and the boys a warm and loving Christmas.

    Grief is a nasty little sod, just when you think you have it back in a box with the lid firmly closed, out it pops, usually taking you out unexpectedly at the back of the knees. But falling down is OK, because I know you will get back up again. Much love. J, xx

    Reply
    • Nic
      January 10, 2019

      thank you dear Jane. It means a lot to know that people we don’t get to see are thinking of us. Christmas was harder than I expected because I had a chest infection and no voice so had to cancel seeing people. It was a shame but a reminder that it’s not all about just one day. One of our beloved cats died unexpectedly this week and we’ve seen how our grief journey with Mum has given us some good coping skills, most important of wish is feeling big. Euan was very upset about Poppet but cried and talked and is now peaceful about our loss. Such a resillience only comes through struggle doesn’t it x

      Reply
  • 2018 in pictures - nipitinthebud.co.uk
    January 1, 2019

    […] friend, November – a break away at the Manor House sports and crafts hotel, December – remembering Mum and meeting Santa at the Maggies Centre Christmas […]

    Reply
  • Debbie
    January 11, 2019

    Hi Nic, I can feel your grief in the post (which is totally normal) and I think taking on a challenge like knitting a fox & a pig sounds like good therapy. Especially if it helps you feel closer to your Mum… Raising money through knitting is a really lovely idea too, I bet Clare’s therapist didn’t realise just what her therapy suggestion would lead to!… I hear what you are saying about the doll toilet roll holders from the 80s, we had one too (creepy little thing)… My Mum used to knit our school jumpers too and make our school dresses and skirts and I must say that I hated being different back then. I used to dread holidays as she would make our whole wardrobe, which meant (what felt like) hours of standing and being pricked with pins whilst she fitted our clothes. Now I do wish I’d learned to sew when she tried teaching us.

    Thank you for popping by and sharing your story at the #keepingitreal link up.

    xx
    Debbie recently posted…The Keeping It Real Link Up #46My Profile

    Reply
  • Jaki
    March 5, 2019

    This is such a touching post. I spent a lot of time at Leckhampton Court when I was pregnant. My husband’s Uncle who he was very close to spent his last few weeks there and eventually the inevitable happened. What a lovely thing for them to have there. I hope you’re doing okay. Thanks for sharing with #TriumphantTales
    Jaki recently posted…Triumphant Tales Linky #101My Profile

    Reply
    • Nic
      March 5, 2019

      What a small world there is between the threads of human experience that connect us all. The compassion and care given at a Sue Ryder hospice is second to none. We feel fortunate to have experienced it. I’m sorry for your husband’s loss of his uncle x

      Reply
  • Sim @ Sim's Life
    March 5, 2019

    Sending you lots of big hugs – lots of fantastic memories! I too remember learning to knit, my Gran taught me and a scarf for a teddy or doll is the easiest way to start!
    That blanket your mum knitted is absolutely beautiful!
    Sim x #TriumphantTales
    Sim @ Sim’s Life recently posted…How To Make Keto PancakesMy Profile

    Reply
    • Nic
      March 5, 2019

      thank you so much for commenting. So many memories for so many people wrapped up in the click clack of knitting needles. Do you knit still?

      Reply
  • handpressed clothing by This Mum in Devon (a review and raising awareness of baby loss) - nipitinthebud.co.uk
    October 22, 2019

    […] ‘Work of Heart garden’ was still installed at the Cathedral and wanted to see it again (we first discovered it by chance the day it opened).  It was really poignant see the installation again.  All the more so as I met Clare, the […]

    Reply

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