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writing when you’re lost for words – healing after miscarriage

Last week I had an article with this title published on the CheltenhamMaman blog. It was a new process for me to write for someone else, with an open brief but a fixed timescale. It reminded me of my student days when I worked through the night to get assignments in on time. I must be getting efficient in my old age as it was written and submitted a week ahead when the deadline coincided with being in Germany. I’m sharing it here for prosperity for my miracle boys as one day I may add the other chapters that were written around it before editing it down to 1200 words!

Writing when you’re lost for words

‘I don’t like writing. I can’t draw. I’m not musical. I’m not at all creative.’

I believed all of these things for the first 20 years of my life. My Grandad died when I was 15, in the week in which my English homework was to write a poem inspired by a real event. I worked and reworked my grief onto paper. It was returned to me with red penned criticisms and a C grade. My creativity was deemed mediocre, my feelings unpoetic. I vowed I’d never share my vulnerability again.


I was 19 when I met my husband George. He was confident in all the ways I wasn’t – socially, creatively, physically. He helped me to appreciate that I was creative despite other people’s judgements. In 2008 we took on an allotment plot and I started photographing my growing successes and failures as a novice gardener. When I told George I was thinking of creating a digital diary for my allotment photos he encouraged me to start blogging, to flex my courage muscle and hit share publicly. For a while George and my Dad were my only readers but I didn’t mind – writing the story behind my photos had become less about what I thought might appeal to other people and more about what I felt the desire to share. I would start with a photo, imagine I was chatting to a friend about it and the words would emerge (that makes it sound so effortless; the insecure creative in me still tweaks a post for hours before I’m happy with it!)

After a few years my mostly-about-gardening-and-cooking blog also became a place to share things that inspired me or made me smile and feel thankful. As other bloggers started to interact with my posts through the comments it no longer seemed authentic to hide behind my new creative labels of “gardener, forager, preserve maker”. I gradually became braver about sharing other areas of my life too. When we suffered a miscarriage writing helped me to express some of the sadness and support we experienced (albeit rather cryptically in a post called feeling loved).

We received so many loving messages of support after sharing the news of our baby loss. I typed out all the texts, emails and phone messages and printed them along with photos of the flowers we received. The condolence that struck a chord the most was simply ‘’miracles do happen twice’’. I wept when I read it; for the heartbreak of our loss and for the recognition that our pregnancy had been a miracle. 9 years before I’d been told I would never fall pregnant naturally, that my ovaries didn’t work and that I’d only become a Mother by using someone else’s eggs. To have conceived using my own eggs on the rollercoaster ride that is fertility treatment was incredible. But now I kept asking myself ‘’What if this was our one chance?’’ We started treatment again filled with hope and trepidation that perhaps ’miracles do happen twice’’.

I started a new gratitude journal about a year before our first round of fertility treatment. I found it helpful to work through my struggles on paper on the days my optimism waned or anxiety was squeezing too tight. On my 36th birthday, a few days after our baby died and I’d returned home after the ERPC operation, I wrote

“I asked people not to call today. I’ve postponed my birthday for a month. I woke with such a heavy heart and for a split second , in that haze between wakefulness and sleep, hoped I was still pregnant after all. I felt empty in all senses of the word. At least we had a plan for today – to go to the Forest of Dean for a final farewell to our baby. I could hear George playing piano downstairs, a new track inspired by his quiet time alone while I had slept off the effects of the anaesthetic. It was beautiful in it’s simplicity and bought a lump to my throat to think our baby had inspired him to find comfort in his music after a long spell of feeling uncreative.

I gathered together a posy of flowers with a stem from each of the bouquets received from loved ones to take with us. We hadn’t discussed what would happen when we found our special place today. Perhaps George thought it was a process that I needed more than him? Perhaps he trusted I would make choices that were sensitive to both our needs? I think we had an unspoken knowing that silence was what we needed and that there were no words that could make this any easier. We parked up, bought a map and naturally fell into a silent single file amble along the path, each lost in our own thoughts until it we found a place to stop. I lay the flowers down along with a card I’d written at home. Neither of us spoke. I cried, we held each other and when I was able to speak, and only as we turned to go, I whispered to George that it felt like we were leaving our baby there. He held my gaze and quietly replied “So do I”. I felt relieved that he felt the same, that this was a heartache we shared deeply even though we were experiencing it differently.

Later on a friend texted to tell me she’d lit a candle for me on my birthday and blown it out as a wish for another miracle. I was touched to think our baby was being held in other people’s hearts so dearly. When we visited Gloucester Cathedral the next day to make the same gesture our re-lit candle flickered alongside 47 other candles. There’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your grief. I wrote out a prayer note, ‘’for Baby M, gone too soon’’ and for the strength to remain hopeful that this wouldn’t be the closest we’d ever get to being parents.”

A year later I picked up my journal and started to write.
“It’s my birthday again and I’m sat in the bath. George is asleep with our son on the bed. Euan is 16 days old and we are in awe of him. Miracles do happen twice. Made on the NHS, saved by the NHS on his birth-day, our beautiful boy could not be more perfect. We are forever grateful.”

18 day old baby boy E

2018 Footnote: Euan is 6 now and has a 2 year old brother. I’ve finally written the back story to this one to support the aims of National Infertility Awareness Week to break the stigma around fertility issues. Thanks for reading ‘’Our infertility journey through PCOS to parenthood’

If you enjoyed this post or know someone who might find encouragement in it I would really appreciate you sharing it with them.  Thank you

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gardening with kids – back on the plot with a little helper
Me and Mine [August 2017]

17 comments

  • Sooze
    August 25, 2017

    Wow Nic, you write so beautifully, such a special and talented friend. This post was very touching and heartfelt. I’ve goosebumps.

    Reply
  • Nicola W
    August 25, 2017

    An amazing piece, moved me to tears

    Reply
  • El
    August 25, 2017

    Beautiful and brave

    Reply
  • Maggy S
    August 26, 2017

    How lovely and what a happy ending. This will give many people hope x

    Reply
  • shaheen
    August 28, 2017

    Truly a lovely written piece with so much heart and honestly.
    even though we have never met its amazing how people can touch each other still, albeit through words – sometimes words are powerful.

    Reply
    • Nip it in the bud
      September 20, 2017

      yes the beauty of the blogging community is feeling connected and supported despite the distance. Thank you for continuing to read my rambles x

      Reply
  • Dan
    August 30, 2017

    Brilliant and beautiful piece from a brilliant and beautiful person x

    Reply
  • Roo
    August 30, 2017

    Well that made me cry! Love you both so much. Thank you Nic x

    Reply
    • Nip it in the bud
      September 20, 2017

      bless you Roo, friendships like yours carried us through the dark days x

      Reply
  • mymamamusings
    August 30, 2017

    Nic,
    That was stunning. I am sat here with tears streaming down my face. You have a completely wonderful way with words, that really captures the emotion of the situation. What a beautiful heart breaking, and yet uplifting and Inspiring story. I love that miracles do happen twice ✨
    Cherie || My Mama Musings

    Reply
    • Nip it in the bud
      September 20, 2017

      Thank you Cherie. I hope it inspires hope in someone who finds themselves at the bumps in the road on this kind of journey. Hoorah for miracles eh :o)

      Reply
  • 2017 in pictures | Nip it in the bud
    January 4, 2018

    […] I still find it amazing that we get a second run at this parenting malarkey with Luca after the struggles we went through to have Euan. Hoo-bloomin-ray I say for another year watching these two grow into such beautiful, sweet natured […]

    Reply
  • #myheartylife | 6 | Nip it in the bud
    February 13, 2018

    […] infertility when each birthday was potentially nudging us further away from what we wanted. Finally becoming parents 14 years after getting married changed everything and brought with it a whole new appreciation of why celebrating birth-days is so […]

    Reply
  • feeling loved | Nip it in the bud
    March 11, 2018

    […] Footnote: when I wrote this post in 2011 I couldn’t bring myself to say “our baby died”.  It took 6 years and the healing that was our beautiful boys to write about our experience more fully.  Our story of hope and believing in miracles is captured in “writing when you’re lost for words”. […]

    Reply
  • To practice any art .. is a way to make your soul grow | Nip it in the bud
    April 16, 2018

    […] such a long wait to have Euan I never dreamed he’d have a sibling to share his love of drawing with.  At nearly 2 Luca is […]

    Reply
  • National Infertility Awareness Week: our infertility journey through PCOS to parenthood | Nip it in the bud
    April 28, 2018

    […] first anniversary of the miscarriage of our first baby. I wrote about that experience last year in Writing when you’re lost for words – healing after miscarriage. Both babies were conceived with the help of fertility treatment and Euan was conceived in the […]

    Reply
  • for all who aren’t | Nip it in the bud
    May 9, 2018

    […] for what lies just out of reach for them.  My first Mother’s Day would have been my second if my first pregnancy had not ended in miscarriage so on this day I think too of the Mother’s without children and the children growing up […]

    Reply

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Loonies. But they're my loons! 💙 . #lovemyboys Loonies.  But they're my loons! 💙
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#lovemyboys #bestfriendbrothers 
#gloucesterlife
Hoorah for the holidays and extra drawing time at Hoorah for the holidays and extra drawing time at Euan's T-shirt company.  9 year old Euan scans his drawings in and then colours them in using Affinity photo.  He's delegated the hard slog of uploading each design to to Daddy now! (he's upgraded his shop so he can offer hoodies and t-shirts in an array of colours). He has 20 animal designs now 🥰. 
.
Thank you so much to everyone who has bought a t-shirt so far.  Euan loves seeing pictures of friends wearing his designs x
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#9yearoldartist #gloucesterlife
What glorious sunshine we had yesterday for Easter What glorious sunshine we had yesterday for Easter Egg hunting.  Aunty Catherine made a delicious cake and the boys ran off their body weight in chocolate.  It was so lovely for them to play outside with their cousin for the first time in sooooo long.  Hope you had a beautiful family filled, choc full weekend
Woohoo, I passed my anatomy and physiology exam to Woohoo, I passed my anatomy and physiology exam today. 💀
. 
I'm shouting it from the rooftops as I'm proud of my achievement and all the hard work I put in while juggling Mum life*. Younger Nic would never have dared tell anyone when the exam was for fear of failing.  When she did well she didn't really share that either.  Younger Nic was afraid of put downs for being boastful or for feeling responsible for someone else's disappointment if they hadn't done as well.  What a lot of worry for nothing and missed opportunities to pat herself on the back.
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So today I acknowledge how far I've come (thank you 40s for that extra dose of "who cares what anyone thinks"). I'm so pleased to have passed with flying colours and can't wait to get my hands on you for massages in a couple of weeks x
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* so grateful to George for his unshakeable support and stepping into more Dad duties 
.
#aromatherapystudent #halfway
Hello Ancient Greeks day. This boy is growing up Hello Ancient Greeks day. 
This boy is growing up so fast.  I'm so glad I'm able to make costumes for him just like my Mum did for me.  Using an old pillowcase from Nanny, double sided sticky tape and left over upholstery fabric there are only 8 stitches in the whole outfit!
.
#makedoandmend #gloucesterlife
Our weekend in pictures . Little boy - tree climbi Our weekend in pictures
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Little boy - tree climbing
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Big boy - bouncing with Pokémon
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Mum - studying studying studying
.
Dad - building a music room at his Dad's
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#gloucesterlife #childhoodunplugged #aromarherapystudent
This week has been wonderful for progress with my This week has been wonderful for progress with my Aromatherapy training - 2 assignments signed off and my Dad's 6 week case study treatments completed. 
.
So today is all about tackling the domestic chaos well away from my computer.  I'm starting with last night's washing up but find it so hard to just single task!  With my anatomy exam in less than two weeks  Professor John K Young from Howard College of Medicine is keeping me company while I wash up!  I find it so much easier to take information in when I hear it so I love @audible for listening to books any time anywhere #alwayslearning
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#aromarherapystudent #mumlife #saturdaychills #anatomy
Breaking up the study with a lunchtime walk in my Breaking up the study with a  lunchtime walk in my favourite local gardens x
The simplicity of cycling in loops when you don't The simplicity of cycling in loops when you don't have an outdoor space of your own.  Bliss!
.
If you've celebrated Mother's Day today I'm sharing in the gratitude with you for all that it means.  If you find this day hard I'm sending so much love to you.  I've written a new blog post - my 7th Mother's Day post as it turns our (link in bio) 
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#mothersday #countyourblessings
Today felt pretty monumental and worthy of a "firs Today felt pretty monumental and worthy of a "first day of school" doorstep pic.  The boys had mixed feelings about getting back to 'boring' school but were excited by the thought of seeing their friends and pizza on the lunch menu. 
.
On the walk home I discovered this lovely message on the fence.  Looks like I've got some homework this week with creating 3 more hearts to pass on the love and positivity ( www careforthree.com) What a lovely start to the day x
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#smallactsofkindness #positivevibes #gloucesterlife #bestfriendbrothers
A first for World Book Day - taking a picture on Z A first for World Book Day - taking a picture on Zoom instead of on the walk to school!  It was lovely to see the other kids and teacher dressed up on the class call.
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(huge @pichon.liz fans here if you're not familiar with Tom Gates stories.  Masks made from pizza packaging!)
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Isn't nature wonderful. She just keeps doing her Isn't nature wonderful.  She just keeps doing her thing despite what happens around her.  Miraculous x
Raccoon family Moorey! Euan was so excited to rec Raccoon family Moorey! 
Euan was so excited to receive his delivery from @rapanuiclothing with hoodies  featuring his own design.  He's created this week's new design which you can see at https://euanstshirtco.teemill.com/
= Getting ready = . It's that time of year again. = Getting ready =
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It's that time of year again. No, not springtime, Mother's Day or Easter hunts.  World book Day costume making! 
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Thankfully Es favourite @pichon.liz Tom Gates books make for easy, creative face masks. 
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#worldbookday
The boys and I took a walk to beautiful Lassington The boys and I took a walk to beautiful Lassington Woods and the hill that was covered in snow just a month ago.  We loved seeing all the hand made signs warning us where to walk to protect the bluebells.  I'm so grateful for this week's sunny spells. 
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Hope you've been able to get out and soak up the hope of new life and brighter days emerging x
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#childhoodunplugged #woodlandwalk #bestfriendbrothers #explorers
My gorgeous 9 year old artist is turning his doodl My gorgeous 9 year old artist is turning his doodles into t-shirts.  He's creating a new design each week so there's 7 days to grab this beautiful raccoon if you like it (different colours and sizes available + hoodies).
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The t-shirts are printed by @rapanuiclothing
using organic and ethically sourced cotton.  This weekend there is free postage on all orders from
.
https://euanstshirtco.teemill.com/
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You will be able to hear Euan speaking to presenter Kate Clark at #BBCRadioGloucestershire tomorrow at 12.40pm so please tune in or catch up on BBC Sounds after the broadcast.
I had a gorgeous bimble on Haresfield Beacon with I had a gorgeous bimble on Haresfield Beacon with the boys yesterday.  We parked at our favourite Standish Woods and walked the 30 minutes to the top.  We took a wrong path at one point and had to scramble like mountain goats up the side of the  hill (absolutely the highlight, such fun!). While Euan and I took some pictures on the trig point Luca took himself off to admire the view. 
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The boys were amazing with running around and walking all the way back too.  They didn't complain until the final uphill stretch but rightly so as it was hard going.  It's so good to get outside and it's a long time since my body has felt hot and our of breath from exertion!
Expect this to be my look from now on! Totally di Expect this to be my look from now on!  Totally digging my Soundcore wireless, noise cancelling headphones. I mostly listen to Audible books, sometimes music, but think I may well just wear these to shut out the day to day noise 😆
Thank you so much for all my gorgeous birthday mes Thank you so much for all my gorgeous birthday messages.  It means so much to me that you took a moment out of your day to ring, write or visit. 
. 
We were blessed with sunshine for our walk on Stinchcombe Hill.  The boys loved the bunkers on the golf course and we were able to get some gorgeous food to take out afterwards from @leafandground (such a treat to be cooked for). Of course the best birthday present was bunking off school work for the day! (For Euan that is, I'm now cracking open my anatomy folder for an hour for tomorrow's college session while G gets the boys to bed).
Last week I felt overwhelmed, exhausted and frustr Last week I felt overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated.  Home schooling children while trying to fulfil all my other commitments wasn't working out so well.  I realised this when robbing from my sleep bank resulted in the tell tale headaches that lead to a migraine.
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This week, with the start of a new month, I resolved to prioritise rest (everything gets ugly on rubbish sleep!). I need 8 hours sleep.  I need quiet time to stretch (without children climbing on me or asking for food!). I need to walk in nature.  I need to connect with people outside my family, as Nic, not always as Mum to Euan and Luca.  And sometimes I need to moan, to stop holding everything, to let the stagnant energy out and the fresh loving energy in. 
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I drew up a list of what supports a headache free life and started ticking things off (I did this on day 3 so have no guilt about those blank boxes at the start of the month!). I'm resolved to keep up the ticks.  I expect there will be days with gaps (like today's rain thwarting a nature walk) but I'm ok with that too. 
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The day I drew up my tracker I also decided to draw a cards from my Lunar cycle oracle cards deck and the Universe has your back.  I think they confirmed I'm on the right track.  Taking care of your body can never be a bad option to go with!!! 
.
#practicingselfcare #mindbodyspirit #emotionalwellbeing
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