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writing when you’re lost for words – healing after miscarriage

Last week I had an article with this title published on the CheltenhamMaman blog. It was a new process for me to write for someone else, with an open brief but a fixed timescale. It reminded me of my student days when I worked through the night to get assignments in on time. I must be getting efficient in my old age as it was written and submitted a week ahead when the deadline coincided with being in Germany. I’m sharing it here for prosperity for my miracle boys as one day I may add the other chapters that were written around it before editing it down to 1200 words!

Writing when you’re lost for words

‘I don’t like writing. I can’t draw. I’m not musical. I’m not at all creative.’

I believed all of these things for the first 20 years of my life. My Grandad died when I was 15, in the week in which my English homework was to write a poem inspired by a real event. I worked and reworked my grief onto paper. It was returned to me with red penned criticisms and a C grade. My creativity was deemed mediocre, my feelings unpoetic. I vowed I’d never share my vulnerability again.


I was 19 when I met my husband George. He was confident in all the ways I wasn’t – socially, creatively, physically. He helped me to appreciate that I was creative despite other people’s judgements. In 2008 we took on an allotment plot and I started photographing my growing successes and failures as a novice gardener. When I told George I was thinking of creating a digital diary for my allotment photos he encouraged me to start blogging, to flex my courage muscle and hit share publicly. For a while George and my Dad were my only readers but I didn’t mind – writing the story behind my photos had become less about what I thought might appeal to other people and more about what I felt the desire to share. I would start with a photo, imagine I was chatting to a friend about it and the words would emerge (that makes it sound so effortless; the insecure creative in me still tweaks a post for hours before I’m happy with it!)

After a few years my mostly-about-gardening-and-cooking blog also became a place to share things that inspired me or made me smile and feel thankful. As other bloggers started to interact with my posts through the comments it no longer seemed authentic to hide behind my new creative labels of “gardener, forager, preserve maker”. I gradually became braver about sharing other areas of my life too. When we suffered a miscarriage writing helped me to express some of the sadness and support we experienced (albeit rather cryptically in a post called feeling loved).

We received so many loving messages of support after sharing the news of our baby loss. I typed out all the texts, emails and phone messages and printed them along with photos of the flowers we received. The condolence that struck a chord the most was simply ‘’miracles do happen twice’’. I wept when I read it; for the heartbreak of our loss and for the recognition that our pregnancy had been a miracle. 9 years before I’d been told I would never fall pregnant naturally, that my ovaries didn’t work and that I’d only become a Mother by using someone else’s eggs. To have conceived using my own eggs on the rollercoaster ride that is fertility treatment was incredible. But now I kept asking myself ‘’What if this was our one chance?’’ We started treatment again filled with hope and trepidation that perhaps ’miracles do happen twice’’.

I started a new gratitude journal about a year before our first round of fertility treatment. I found it helpful to work through my struggles on paper on the days my optimism waned or anxiety was squeezing too tight. On my 36th birthday, a few days after our baby died and I’d returned home after the ERPC operation, I wrote

“I asked people not to call today. I’ve postponed my birthday for a month. I woke with such a heavy heart and for a split second , in that haze between wakefulness and sleep, hoped I was still pregnant after all. I felt empty in all senses of the word. At least we had a plan for today – to go to the Forest of Dean for a final farewell to our baby. I could hear George playing piano downstairs, a new track inspired by his quiet time alone while I had slept off the effects of the anaesthetic. It was beautiful in it’s simplicity and bought a lump to my throat to think our baby had inspired him to find comfort in his music after a long spell of feeling uncreative.

I gathered together a posy of flowers with a stem from each of the bouquets received from loved ones to take with us. We hadn’t discussed what would happen when we found our special place today. Perhaps George thought it was a process that I needed more than him? Perhaps he trusted I would make choices that were sensitive to both our needs? I think we had an unspoken knowing that silence was what we needed and that there were no words that could make this any easier. We parked up, bought a map and naturally fell into a silent single file amble along the path, each lost in our own thoughts until it we found a place to stop. I lay the flowers down along with a card I’d written at home. Neither of us spoke. I cried, we held each other and when I was able to speak, and only as we turned to go, I whispered to George that it felt like we were leaving our baby there. He held my gaze and quietly replied “So do I”. I felt relieved that he felt the same, that this was a heartache we shared deeply even though we were experiencing it differently.

Later on a friend texted to tell me she’d lit a candle for me on my birthday and blown it out as a wish for another miracle. I was touched to think our baby was being held in other people’s hearts so dearly. When we visited Gloucester Cathedral the next day to make the same gesture our re-lit candle flickered alongside 47 other candles. There’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your grief. I wrote out a prayer note, ‘’for Baby M, gone too soon’’ and for the strength to remain hopeful that this wouldn’t be the closest we’d ever get to being parents.”

A year later I picked up my journal and started to write.
“It’s my birthday again and I’m sat in the bath. George is asleep with our son on the bed. Euan is 16 days old and we are in awe of him. Miracles do happen twice. Made on the NHS, saved by the NHS on his birth-day, our beautiful boy could not be more perfect. We are forever grateful.”

18 day old baby boy E

2018 Footnote: Euan is 6 now and has a 2 year old brother. I’ve finally written the back story to this one to support the aims of National Infertility Awareness Week to break the stigma around fertility issues. Thanks for reading ‘’Our infertility journey through PCOS to parenthood’

If you enjoyed this post or know someone who might find encouragement in it I would really appreciate you sharing it with them.  Thank you

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gardening with kids – back on the plot with a little helper
Me and Mine [August 2017]

17 comments

  • Sooze
    August 25, 2017

    Wow Nic, you write so beautifully, such a special and talented friend. This post was very touching and heartfelt. I’ve goosebumps.

    Reply
  • Nicola W
    August 25, 2017

    An amazing piece, moved me to tears

    Reply
  • El
    August 25, 2017

    Beautiful and brave

    Reply
  • Maggy S
    August 26, 2017

    How lovely and what a happy ending. This will give many people hope x

    Reply
  • shaheen
    August 28, 2017

    Truly a lovely written piece with so much heart and honestly.
    even though we have never met its amazing how people can touch each other still, albeit through words – sometimes words are powerful.

    Reply
    • Nip it in the bud
      September 20, 2017

      yes the beauty of the blogging community is feeling connected and supported despite the distance. Thank you for continuing to read my rambles x

      Reply
  • Dan
    August 30, 2017

    Brilliant and beautiful piece from a brilliant and beautiful person x

    Reply
  • Roo
    August 30, 2017

    Well that made me cry! Love you both so much. Thank you Nic x

    Reply
    • Nip it in the bud
      September 20, 2017

      bless you Roo, friendships like yours carried us through the dark days x

      Reply
  • mymamamusings
    August 30, 2017

    Nic,
    That was stunning. I am sat here with tears streaming down my face. You have a completely wonderful way with words, that really captures the emotion of the situation. What a beautiful heart breaking, and yet uplifting and Inspiring story. I love that miracles do happen twice ✨
    Cherie || My Mama Musings

    Reply
    • Nip it in the bud
      September 20, 2017

      Thank you Cherie. I hope it inspires hope in someone who finds themselves at the bumps in the road on this kind of journey. Hoorah for miracles eh :o)

      Reply
  • 2017 in pictures | Nip it in the bud
    January 4, 2018

    […] I still find it amazing that we get a second run at this parenting malarkey with Luca after the struggles we went through to have Euan. Hoo-bloomin-ray I say for another year watching these two grow into such beautiful, sweet natured […]

    Reply
  • #myheartylife | 6 | Nip it in the bud
    February 13, 2018

    […] infertility when each birthday was potentially nudging us further away from what we wanted. Finally becoming parents 14 years after getting married changed everything and brought with it a whole new appreciation of why celebrating birth-days is so […]

    Reply
  • feeling loved | Nip it in the bud
    March 11, 2018

    […] Footnote: when I wrote this post in 2011 I couldn’t bring myself to say “our baby died”.  It took 6 years and the healing that was our beautiful boys to write about our experience more fully.  Our story of hope and believing in miracles is captured in “writing when you’re lost for words”. […]

    Reply
  • To practice any art .. is a way to make your soul grow | Nip it in the bud
    April 16, 2018

    […] such a long wait to have Euan I never dreamed he’d have a sibling to share his love of drawing with.  At nearly 2 Luca is […]

    Reply
  • National Infertility Awareness Week: our infertility journey through PCOS to parenthood | Nip it in the bud
    April 28, 2018

    […] first anniversary of the miscarriage of our first baby. I wrote about that experience last year in Writing when you’re lost for words – healing after miscarriage. Both babies were conceived with the help of fertility treatment and Euan was conceived in the […]

    Reply
  • for all who aren’t | Nip it in the bud
    May 9, 2018

    […] for what lies just out of reach for them.  My first Mother’s Day would have been my second if my first pregnancy had not ended in miscarriage so on this day I think too of the Mother’s without children and the children growing up […]

    Reply

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Home learning was less painful today after spendin Home learning was less painful today after spending some time crafting first.  Euan loves Dav Pilkey's Dogman books and in the back of the latest one Grime and Punishment are instructions for making your own lunch bag monster.  Euan just got straight onto making his monster and I enjoyed making Luca's.  Munchy then went on a rampage at the park 😆
Home learning might be a headache but no objection Home learning might be a headache but no objections here to easy dinner inspired by Euan's Ancient Greeks theme (none of it home made or ancient!). 
Thank you Lidl!  #standardsslipping 🙈
9 years of loving this gorgeous soul. Happy Birth 9 years of loving this gorgeous soul.  Happy Birthday darling Euan ❤️
I've spent the weekend mostly indoors attending We I've spent the weekend mostly indoors attending Weleda training and preparing for Euan's birthday tomorrow.  So here's a few pics of a very muddy walk this week at Barnwood Arboretum which included hugging a giant redwood tree 🌳💚
We made origami spiders! Who needs school when yo We made origami spiders! 
Who needs school when you've got Art for Kids hub 💕
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#childhoodunplugged #gloucesterlife
Silly Sunday afternoon fun with filters 💕 #gl Silly Sunday afternoon fun with filters 💕
 
#gloucesterlife #lovemyboys💙 #photogrid
Seeking meal planning inspo. What are your favour Seeking meal planning inspo.  What are your favourite recipes to cater for all tastes and ages? 
The open book is the Bosch recipe book so really interested in vegetarian/vegan suggestions too x
We went for the muddiest walk today but it was so We went for the muddiest walk today but it was so good to get outside.  Luca did a spectacular welly boot save when the mud suckered it off but he managed to land his foot back inside it without falling over.  The boys were wet through by the time we got back to the car.  They soon warmed up at Grandad's sat in pants watching cartoons and eating crisps.  A pretty stellar day all in all!
front view: back view courtesy of big brother 😘 front view: back view courtesy of big brother 😘
Running off some steam after a few days indoors. Running off some steam after a few days indoors.  We're lucky to live in a fab city where historic sites, green spaces and waterways are all within a 20 minute walk from home.  It seemed the perfect day for getting a few pics to round off the 2020 album.  According to G the days of "normal" smiles in photos are long gone.  We live with a pair of comedians! 
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#childhoodunplugged #gloucesterlife
Starting a new Christmas tradition with a 1000 pie Starting a new Christmas tradition with a 1000 piece puzzle.  Turns out the tube makes it really tricky to look at the picture and the pieces are pretty small.  Could be here a while - see you in January!
One of the jobs I didn't get round to before Chris One of the jobs I didn't get round to before Christmas was freeing up space on my phone for photos 🙈. So rationed to just one picture you get 50% of the Moorey's wishing you a Merry Christmas.  Sending love and hugs out to all corners of the world and sharing the stories of Christmas past to remember those no longer with us.  Lots of love x
Not your usual shopping list for Christmas Eve eve Not your usual shopping list for Christmas Eve eve but loss has been such a big part of this year and the opportunity to remember loved ones together is so comforting.  We don't have candles at home since a near accident with a cat tail many moons ago so  Luca and I dashed off into the rain this morning to get some beautiful vegan plant wax candles from @idunspirit .  We'll join the circle of light remembering loved ones tomorrow at 7pm. 
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My Mum passed away peacefully at @sueryderleckhampton 2 years ago and I was touched by the idea of a shared remembrance on Christmas Eve.  I bought a candle for my Dad and dear friend who will be missing her Mum too. 
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Sending love and courage to all who are heavy hearted missing  loved ones this Christmas.  Especially to those who are missing a parent, sibling or child.  3 friends have lost Dad's in the last week and the pain of wondering how to make sense of life without them is the journey they now face.  Lean in to support and feel all the feels.  Huge hugs dear ones x
.
(Please comment below if you're remembering someone.  The boys have asked to join me to remember Nana as well as their beloved cats Poppet and Mikey and we'd happily include a tribute to your loved ones in our thoughts)
We went to our favourite local gardens yesterday a We went to our favourite local gardens yesterday and my friend said "ooh I'm just going to pick up some of the fallen greenery for my Christmas wreath". What a good idea I thought as we've never made one (with a house opening on to the pavement i always presumed it would soon  disappear if I did make or buy one!). 
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Using a couple of ivy twines to make my egg shaped circle I just used some multicoloured yarn to wrap around it and secure the foliage.  It looked pretty ropey until I sewed on some of the dried orange slices from my friend Lisa's home made pot pourri.  Transformed and ready to hang on the door when I work out how! 
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#gloucesterlife #christmascrafting #wreathmaking
Happy Solstice everyone. If you take a walk down Happy Solstice everyone.  If you take a walk down our street over Christmas this is the view of our downstairs window.  Isn't it gorgeous.  George's contribution to the #kingsholmadventwindow
Who recognises the woods and the hilltop view? Su Who recognises the woods and the hilltop view?  Such a gorgeous bright day yesterday for a walk, made all the more lovely for the company of a dear friend
#nofilter #lovenature
For the last few weeks kids all across Kingsholm h For the last few weeks kids all across Kingsholm have been on the hunt for painted advent pebbles.  Each Sunday parishioners from St Catharine's church have hidden them and a buzz begins about where they might be found. 
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Today after school we went up to Hillfield Gardens to find an angel for Luca.  We'd already resolved to make some ourselves if we weren't lucky enough to find one.  We now how our official @stcatsglos nativity set and our newly growing Moorey version which includes a duck and a rocket (of course!). I love how this act of community is sparking new conversations and growing friendships through rock swaps and rehides. 
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#kingsholmrocks #communityspirit #stcatsglos #findingjesus
= New blog post = . Find out what happened when L = New blog post =
 .
Find out what happened when Luca was let loose on a Boredom Bag (link in bio) 
.
He made:
* a worry doll
* a glittery pine cone
* a flower out of scrap
* cheese twists to eat 
* a bean bag for catching games
* a moustachy disguise
* an animated chin video! 
We still have activities to work through!  For more details visit Ellie's page @boredombagsuk 
.
#gloucesterlife #boredombags #childhoodunplugged #creativity #craftingwithkids
Oh what a lovely morning I've had at Charlies Canc Oh what a lovely morning I've had at Charlies Cancer Support and Therapy Centre in Gloucester.  Jo who runs the centre is the first person outside of my family to receive an aromatherapy massage from me.  Jo  experienced the soothing effects of a wild rose facial and hand massage in the tranquil surroundings of her own treatment room! 
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I don't have a therapy space at home so Jo is kindly letting me use her treatment room when Charlie's is closed on Fridays.  If you'd like to take advantage of free hands-on wellbeing support I'm asking for a £10 donation to Charlie's in exchange for the beautiful space.  I already have my 11am slots booked out but if you're local and can be in the centre of Gloucester at 9.30am do get in touch (I'll be working my way through my volunteers list so don't worry if you've already told me you're interested). 
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What a lovely way for Jo to start a very busy day.  Today she treated the volunteers to a pre-Christmas lunch while drawing the annual Charlie's raffle.  Over £2000 was raised and hundreds of prized gifted.  Christmas come early for some today x
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#aromatherapystudent #practicingselfcare #weledalove #loveyourskin #loveyourbody #organicskincare #naturalingredients
I came back from college on Saturday to this lovel I came back from college on Saturday to this lovely gift from Euan.  He'd spent most of the day making my "Happy Messages" advent calendar.  How lucky am I to have such a kind hearted boy 💗
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